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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28840272">on a grayscale</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewriterx/pseuds/thewriterx'>thewriterx</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Women's Soccer RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Allo/Ace Relationship, An exploration of ace!th and allo!cp, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Character Study, Consent, Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fluff, Gen, Gray-Asexuality, Light Angst, Massage, Masturbation, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Queerplatonic Relationships, Romance, Sharing a Bed, Stream of Consciousness, a year in the life, soft girls, touch averse th, written by an ace</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 14:06:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,498</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28840272</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewriterx/pseuds/thewriterx</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“If you’re tired, we don’t have to go to dinner. I’m fine with just drinks if that means you can get home and get some well-deserved rest”.</p><p> </p><p>“No, no, please. I’ve… I’ve been looking forward to this date since our last one”, Christen unabashedly admits. Her honesty makes Tobin blush.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, okay. But let’s make it a quick dinner so you can get into bed”, the brunette says.</p><p> </p><p>Christen wishes they could both end the night in her bed, but she doesn’t say it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tobin Heath/Christen Press</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>158</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>on a grayscale</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>January</strong>
</p><p>Christen Press, off her feet for the first time in what felt like days, was already sitting by the bar with a drink in hand when she spots her date making her way through the door.</p><p> </p><p>She notices how Tobin’s head is on a swivel as she looks for her in the crowded bar, so she raises her hand slightly and manages to catch Tobin’s attention. The lanky brunette spots her and smiles as she walks over.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, I am so sorry I’m late. I got caught up at the office and then I got stuck in traffic…”</p><p> </p><p>She smiles, an indication that she accepts the stumbling apology and then offers up the seat next to her. Tobin gratefully accepts.</p><p> </p><p>“Have you been waiting long?”, the older woman asks as she beckons the bartender over.</p><p> </p><p>“Just a few minutes; stop worrying about it”, Christen says.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin orders an Old Fashioned and when the beverage arrives, she doesn’t hesitate to roll the smooth alcohol down her throat. She closes her eyes to savour the taste of bourbon and blood orange bitters.</p><p> </p><p>“I really needed this”, she mumbles underneath her breath.</p><p> </p><p>“Long day?”</p><p> </p><p>“Long week”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen nods in understanding. “I’m surprised we even find the time for these dates”, she says casually and takes a sip of her drink.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll always make time for you”, Tobin admits rather shyly and flashes a quick smile in her companion’s direction.</p><p> </p><p>Christen smiles and moves closer to run a hand along the loosened tie around Tobin’s neck. “I like this tie on you”, she says.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh”, Tobin says and clears her throat. “I came straight from work”, she mentions and shifts back in her seat. Christen must have caught the slight change in Tobin’s demeanor, because she immediately sits back and keeps her hands to herself.</p><p> </p><p>In truth, Christen wanted to get closer, much closer, to the woman next to her. She had known Tobin for a couple of months now and had gone on three dates with her.</p><p> </p><p>First they went for a walk in Washington Park and had gotten to know each other better. Their conversation flowed and there weren’t any awkward lulls in the conversation as one would expect from a first date. Christen learned that when Tobin wasn’t working as a junior trader for a medium sized brokerage firm, she enjoyed watching movies, playing video games and traveling. Tobin learned that Christen read a lot of books, did a lot of yoga and tried her hand at writing whenever she wasn’t a busy interior designer.</p><p> </p><p>Their second date had been dinner at a quaint vegan restaurant that Christen suggested. A sit-down meal meant that they could talk about much deeper things. Christen told Tobin about how she ended up in Portland, how she left a cushy office job in search of something where she could express her creativity. Tobin explained how she had ended up in a city three-thousand miles from her hometown. She spoke about how she enjoyed the simple things, and that the city could offer her that and so much more. She spoke with such adoration for Portland, that Christen was convinced this was the place for her, too. It was on their second date that Christen had made up her mind about the woman with the deep and velvety brown eyes and expressive face who sat opposite her that night. She liked her; a lot.</p><p> </p><p>For their third date, a week ago, Tobin took her to the Pearl District, the epicenter of the city’s art scene. They visited a few galleries and in between mindless chatter and shared laughs, Tobin began to feel herself slipping into a familiarity with Christen that she hadn’t anticipated.</p><p> </p><p>Here was a smart, interesting, and captivating woman who she could listen to for hours and who managed to enthrall in ways she never knew she could be. It was scary, but it was also exciting.</p><p> </p><p>Now they were sat in a bar right in the middle of the busiest part of the city, each drinking a strong cocktail, but getting slightly intoxicated off of each other instead.</p><p> </p><p>“Anything interesting happen at work today?”, Christen asks, as she tries to make Tobin feel at ease again.</p><p> </p><p>“You know, the usual”, Tobin says and finished her drink. “I don’t exactly have the most exciting job in the world. What about you? Any demanding clients? Any outlandish briefs?”</p><p> </p><p>Christen sighs. “Sooo many demanding clients”, she says. “I finally finished a lobby for a new guesthouse and yesterday the owner comes in and tells me that he wants to change everything. Every single thing”, she says and finishes her drink as well. “My team and I have been working since seven this morning”.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin’s brow furrowed and she wore a look of concern on her face. “If you’re tired, we don’t have to go to dinner. I’m fine with just drinks if that means you can get home and get some well-deserved rest”.</p><p> </p><p>“No, no, please. I’ve… I’ve been looking forward to this date since our last one”, Christen unabashedly admits. Her honesty makes Tobin blush.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, okay. But let’s make it a quick dinner so you can get into bed”, the brunette says.</p><p> </p><p>Christen wishes they could both end the night in her bed, but she doesn’t say it. She smiles and asks Tobin if she’d like another round of drinks.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>Christen couldn’t decide between the teal-coloured armchair or the turquoise one and knew this was a job for Alex Morgan, her friend and fellow interior designer. She called her and they decided to make a whole day of it. First they would go to the furniture store and decide which armchairs would work better for the room Christen was busy with, but after they would get lunch at the nice little café they frequented.</p><p> </p><p>Alex had become one of Christen’s closest friends since she arrived in Portland. The dark haired, blue eyed woman was equal parts lovely and intimidating and Christen quickly realised that they were probably more alike than either of them would like to admit. Ever since, Alex had become her go-to person, both professionally and personally.</p><p> </p><p>They walk into the café and find the table by the window that they loved empty. They quickly settle in and order coffee and a light lunch.</p><p> </p><p>“So…”, Alex starts and Christen immediately knows what she wants to talk about. She still acts coy, though.</p><p> </p><p>“What?”, she asks and takes a sip of coffee.</p><p> </p><p>“Your date with Tobin last night? You were up and at ‘em early, so I’m guessing she didn’t sleep over?”</p><p> </p><p>Christen’s lips forms an involuntary pout. “We had drinks, we had dinner and she was being so sweet and attentive, but…” she sighs. “She made sure I got into the Uber and texted me to make sure I got home safe, but she never even brought up the idea of us… you know… hooking up”.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe she’s just a little shy”, Alex offers. “And now she’s waiting for you to make the first move”.</p><p> </p><p>A pensive look appears on Christen’s face. “Maybe, but we’ve already passed the three-date threshold. Like, I’m so into her and I kinda wanna find out if we’re sexually compatible”.</p><p> </p><p>The icy eyed Alex shrugs as she sticks a for into her glazed salmon. “You clearly need to take the reigns on this one. Show her that you’re interested and that you wanna take things to a more intimate level with her”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen shakes her head in affirmation. “I think you’re right, Al. I need to be a little more direct; without scaring her off, obviously”. She also digs into her lunch with a knife and fork. “Because honestly, it’s been way too long”.</p><p> </p><p>Alex raises a perfectly shaped eyebrow. “How long are we talking?”, the California native asks and Christen feels slightly embarrassed to tell her that it had been little under a year since she had been with anyone.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, you know, it’s been a while. I tend to lose track of time when it comes to stuff like that”, she says and waves off like it’s nothing.</p><p> </p><p>But it wasn’t nothing. All throughout Christen’s adolescence, she had been confronted with questions about her own sexuality. First there was realizing that she probably wasn’t as straight as she initially thought. She liked men; she knew as much, but she liked women, too. She liked women more. It took her years to figure out that she was bisexual with a female preference. It took even longer for her to come out to her family and to accept herself. And even after she did, she found herself being shunned by a community she thought she belonged to. All through college she had to hear that ‘she wasn’t really gay’ or that she was blurring the lines between queer and straight to suit her own wants and needs. She felt so out of place in the queer world, that she rebelled. That sex became something more than just an act of intense intimacy for her. It became almost political. It became an extension of who she was as a person. Who she slept with was so important to her and no act was more liberating than sex for Christen. And she longed for that liberation.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>Another Friday rolled around and Tobin made her way up a flight of stairs, armed with a bottle of red wine and a bouquet of fresh flowers for her hostess this evening.</p><p> </p><p>She wouldn’t admit it to anyone, including herself, but she was quite taken aback when Christen invited her to dinner at her apartment. They had only gone on four dates and Christen already saw it fit to invite her into her personal space. It felt like a big deal for Tobin, so she went through the trouble of buying flowers and a bottle of wine. Hopefully Christen liked them.</p><p> </p><p>Her legs grow heavier with ever ascending step and she knows exactly why.</p><p> </p><p>She was going to be in close quarters with Christen tonight. Maybe they would sit on the same couch or maybe during dinner their legs would brush against each other. Maybe Christen would lean in try to touch her again. What if she pulled away and Christen thinks she’s rejecting her?</p><p> </p><p>Tobin stops in her tracks and looks up the seven or eight stairs left. She can’t climb them. She can’t go there, not tonight.</p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>Christen was still trying to lay the perfect table, with every spoon, knife and fork in their correct position, when she hears the beep-beep of her cell phone on the kitchen counter. She goes to check, expecting it to be Tobin telling her that she’s on her way, but in fact it was the complete opposite.</p><p> </p><p>It was Tobin telling her that she had a work emergency and that she wouldn’t be able to make it.</p><p> </p><p>Christen reads the message twice, just to make sure her eyes weren’t deceiving her. After a few minutes of wondering what she ever did to deserve all of this bad luck in her life, she messages back and tells Tobin that it’s okay. That they’ll just have dinner some other time.</p><p> </p><p>She’s a bit heartbroken, she has to admit, but sighs and begins clearing off the table.</p><p> </p><p>It was going to be another lonely Friday night for her.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>February</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Contrary to popular belief, January rolls over just as quickly as any other month and before long, it’s Valentines’ Day. For Tobin, Valentine’s Day was a cringy time of year. She hated the idea of people expecting romance on the 14<sup>th</sup> of February. She didn’t understand why a day had to be invented just so people could experience something that should come standard with any relationship.</p><p> </p><p>But more than just the forced romance of Valentine’s Day, was the expectancy of sex on a day like this.</p><p> </p><p>Millions of lovers around the world wait with bated breaths for the day to arrive because there is the possibility that they might get sex. It was a thought that terrified someone like Tobin, especially this year.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin had been spending more time with Christen, and despite her last-minute cancellation of what would have been their fifth date, the two were still going strong. They had had dinner the week before at a restaurant Tobin knew Christen would love. She showed up with the reddest long-stemmed rose she could find and apologized yet again for dropping Christen. The curly haired interior designer accepted her apology.</p><p> </p><p>And that was one of the things that Tobin loved about Christen: just how understanding she was, how forgiving she could be. It was one of the traits Tobin admired in herself and could easily spot in someone else.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s Valentine’s Day next week”, Christen mentioned earlier in the week when Tobin called her to ask how she was doing.</p><p> </p><p>“I-I know”, the brunette said. “Do you have plans?”, she asked and hoped Christen said no.</p><p> </p><p>“That depends on who’s asking”, she flirted back.</p><p> </p><p>“I am”, Tobin said, sounding not too sure of herself.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, then no. I don’t have any plans yet”.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin’s heart immediately started to race, going a mile a minute as she tried to come up with the right words. Words that could convey just how much she wanted to see Christen, but words that wouldn’t mislead her in anyway. She cleared her throat.</p><p> </p><p>“Would you like to… spend Valentine’s Day with me? We could have dinner and watch a movie. Maybe even that movie Valentine’s Day?”, she blurted out and hoped the sentences made sense.</p><p> </p><p>She could hear Christen’s girlish giggles on the other line. “I would love that”, she said. “And since you don’t like big crowds and all the bars and restaurants will most likely be crowed, can we hang out at your place?’, she asked innocently.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin wished she could give her an uncomplicated answer. “I… okay”, she finally says.</p><p> </p><p>“Fantastic! I’m looking forward to it”, Christen said happily.</p><p> </p><p>Over the phone it didn’t seem too bad. It just felt like two grown-ups making plans, but now it was Valentine’s Day and Christen was stood in front of her in a gorgeous black velvet dress that hugged her body just right, with heels, jewels, make-up and luscious curls cascading down her shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>“I-Is the wine okay? I can get you something else”, Tobin asks and looks to the kitchen area in her open gallery living area.</p><p> </p><p>“This is fine, better than fine even”, Christen promises and takes a sip of wine, almost as if to prove to Tobin that she’s telling the truth.</p><p> </p><p>The New Jersey native could let out a small sigh of relief. Christen liked her choice of wine, seemed to be impressed by the dinner she was cooking, and even complimented her on the grey tee-shirt and black jeans look she had gone for.</p><p> </p><p>Christen still likes her, is what Tobin thinks as she readies their dinner. She carefully serves up colourful and fragrant stir-fry with noodles. She carries the two plate to the lounge area and hands Christen one.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry about the lack of dining table in here”, she says quickly. “I don’t usually have a lot of guests over and when I do we just play video games”.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s okay, I eat like this, too. After a long day at work, the last thing I wanna do is set a table for one when I get home”, Christen jokes. “And thank you, just looks amazing”.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin looks at her plate and then back at Christen. “The recipe came up in my YouTube recommendations and I thought it might be nice to try something a little different. I hope it tastes alright”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen twists her fork around some of the noodles and then manages to scoop up a few julienne strips of green bell pepper, red bell pepper and carrot.</p><p> </p><p>“Mm, this is tasty”, she says. “Good looking and good at cooking? That’s the magical double right there”, she teases and enjoys seeing the little blush spread across Tobin’s face. “But seriously, this is really nice”.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m glad you like it”, Tobin says and reached for her glass of water which was perched on the coffee table. “So tell me, because I have been wondering about this for a really long time now”, she begins and clears her throat before she can finish. “Do you think my apartment could use a bit of that Christen Press interior design magic?”</p><p> </p><p>Christen giggled into her glass of wine. “It could do with a little some’ing”, she says. “Maybe to add a bit more colour, but I like it as is, too. Because it’s you and everything that’s you is kind of perfect”.</p><p> </p><p>“I-I don’t know how to respond to that”, Tobin phrases carefully, but punctuates the words with a nervous chuckle. “And I’m not perfect. Far from it, actually”.</p><p> </p><p>After dinner Tobin finds Valentine’s Day on Netflix and puts it on while she uncorks another bottle of wine. They watch together in a companionable silence, with Tobin occasionally refilling their glasses or offering Christen chocolate from the different boxes she panic bought the day before.</p><p> </p><p>The final credits roll and Christen turns to Tobin. “Did you enjoy the movie?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>“It was really nice”, Tobin answers honestly. “Did you?”</p><p> </p><p>Christen nods. “And it got me thinking about us”.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin’s heartrate increases involuntarily, and she can feel her palms getting sweaty. What if this was the part of the night where Christen was expecting her to make a move? What if this was the part of the night where Christen actually made a move first? She had no idea how she would respond to it if it were to happen. “About us?”, she asks flatly.</p><p> </p><p>“I like you, Tobin. I like spending time with you and I like how you make me feel. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so safe and so content with anybody else. And with that in mind”, the younger woman took a quick but deep breath. “I wanted to know if you would consider being my girlfriend”. Her eyes were pale as ever, but there’s a hint of curiosity in them that makes them shine just a little brighter than usual.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin almost feels her heart beating in her throat. “I’d like that”, she speaks quietly.</p><p> </p><p>“Really?”, Christen asks, almost as she can’t believe Tobin actually said yes. But a warm smile adorns her already pretty face, and she inches closer to the woman sitting next to her. “Can I kiss you?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin swallows hard, so much so that her throat hurts, but then gives a quick nod. It was just a kiss. She has kissed people before and had gotten through it relatively unscathed. And this was Christen, a woman she really likes and someone she had envisioned some kind of future with for the last few weeks.</p><p> </p><p>The younger woman moves closer, moving her slender hands from her own lap up to Tobin’s shoulders via her arms. She feels the brunette tense up, so she looks to find questioning and stricken brown eyes on her. “Yeah?”, she asks again.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah”, Tobin says softly.</p><p> </p><p>Christen smiles and captures Tobin’s bottom lip in between hers. Their kiss is chaste and sweet and Christen can’t seem to get enough of it. She smiles into it as she feels Tobin’s hands carefully reach for her waist, but then she feels the cold pang of rejection when she realizes that Tobin was pushing her away.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh”, Christen says softly.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not that I don’t… I want to kiss you, but I’m hoping that we can take things slow”, Tobin says and she offers a polite smile. “You understand, right?”</p><p> </p><p>Christen looks to her lap, looks up again and smiles despite herself. “I do. And I’m all for taking things slow, because I really, really like you and I don’t wanna mess this up”.</p><p> </p><p>The date ends when Tobin walks Christen to her Uber and plants a quick peck on her cheek. “Text me when you get home, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Christen nods. “Thanks for tonight, it was the best Valentine’s Day I’ve had in”, she chuckles. “ever, quite possibly”. She leans in and gives Tobin one more peck on her lips.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>April</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>It seemed like with each passing week, the connection between Christen and Tobin grows stronger. They would just be out for a quick lunch during work or go on a stroll around the neighbourhood and it would be perfect. Tobin was everything in one; a great listener, a cheerleader for when Christen was doubting herself, a caring and thoughtful girlfriend who surprised her with flowers and the dark chocolate she liked. She was just a beautiful addition to Christen’s life, and she fit in so seamlessly.</p><p> </p><p>Friday nights were still date-nights, when they would go out and do something fun or stay in and just enjoy each other’s company. Each date-night would end the same; with Tobin giving Christen a quick peck on either the lips or the cheek as she saw her off. Christen, being the big old romantic that she was, thought it was sweet that Tobin wanted to take things so slow, but sometimes she held out for more from her girlfriend. After being a couple for more than two months, she had hoped Tobin would let down her guard by now.</p><p> </p><p>Tonight they were out at a tapas restaurant, a nice and breezy date which allows them to talk in a much less formal setting and a cheeky way for Christen to show off her Spanish. Tobin seems impressed by it, judging by the way she keeps asking Christen to translate random words into Spanish.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, okay, one more. Please?”, Tobin asks.</p><p> </p><p>Christen huffs, but smiles.</p><p> </p><p>“How do I say ‘you have really pretty green eyes and I wanna stare into them all night’ in Spanish?”</p><p> </p><p>Christen almost chokes out her white wine. “Who are you gonna use that line on?”, she asks jokingly.</p><p> </p><p>“You, maybe”, Tobin teases along with her.</p><p> </p><p>“Well then, I guess you will have to wait ‘til later tonight before I tell you”, she says and winks at her girlfriend.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin gives an askew smile and quickly turns to the plate in front of her as she picks out another bite-sized food to sample. Over the course of their relationship, she had managed to still any talk of sex, by just changing the topic or staying silent and it seemed to work.</p><p> </p><p>More recently, it was becoming harder because Christen had been making more and more suggestive comments. Tobin knew she couldn’t shrug it off anymore. She knew she couldn’t hide it from Christen anymore, but she didn’t want to tell her. She had gone through the whole ordeal before. She had fallen in love with a girl who she thought was perfect for her, only to realise that they weren’t compatible and that they never will be.</p><p> </p><p>“Are we going to your place or mine?”, Christen asks as they stood outside on the curb while she orders a car.</p><p> </p><p>“Actually”, Tobin begins and shifts her weight from one foot to the other. “I have a work thing tomorrow and I think I’m gonna call it a night”, she says.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, okay”, Christen says and tries her best not to look as disappointed as she was. “I understand”.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin waits until the car arrives and gives her girlfriend a peck on the cheek. “I miss you already”, she whispers in her ear. “Get home safe”.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>Alex was a smart woman and she prided herself on that, but even she couldn’t understand what was going on with Christen anymore.</p><p> </p><p>The curly-haired woman seemed to be tense, despite everything in her life going so well and despite her being a chilled-out yogi who meditates on the weekends. For some reason it seemed as if Christen was frustrated with some aspect of her life and taking it out on the people (or objects) around her.</p><p> </p><p>She watches as the aforementioned interior designer haphazardly throws a cushion onto a loveseat and decides to walk over to her. “Are you okay?”, she asks with a concerned look on her face.</p><p> </p><p>Christen looks up and shakes her head ‘no’. She sighs and places her hands on her lips. “Is there something wrong with me?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>“By the way you’ve been acting I’m tempted to say yes”, Alex teases. “What do you mean?”</p><p> </p><p>“Tobin… she’s still so closed off. She never… she won’t touch me”, Christen says quietly, even though they were the only two people in the mid-century house they were styling.</p><p> </p><p>“Doesn’t touch you?”, Alex asks. “Well that must make the sex weird”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen stares at her blankly and waits until the penny drops for the raven-haired woman.</p><p> </p><p>“Oooh”, she finally says.</p><p> </p><p>“Exactly. And lately I’ve been thinking that she just doesn’t find me attractive. Even kissing me seems to be more of a burden than a pleasure for her. I mean, we kiss, but it never feels like she’s enjoying it”. Christen feels bad that she’s sharing so many personal information about her very private relationship with Tobin with Alex, but she needs a friend’s perspective. She needs someone to tell her what to do because she has no clue.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I’ve only ever hung out with Tobin twice, so I can’t speak for her, but I remember her wearing a cross around her neck”, Alex says with a shrug. “And you said she’s an avid church-goer, so maybe she’s just very religious and doesn’t believe in extramarital sex”.</p><p> </p><p>It feels like the penny has dropped for Christen now. Of course! She knows Tobin is a devout Christian and that could mean that her views on sex differs vastly from her more liberal and spiritual girlfriend.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, you’re right. Tobin might not want to have sex with me because of her religious beliefs”, Christen says, almost to herself.</p><p> </p><p>“And how does that make you feel?”, Alex asks as she readjusts the cushion.</p><p> </p><p>Christen grimaces and wishes she had a better answer. “Not great, but I understand. I don’t expect her to change her stance just because I’m horny as hell”.</p><p> </p><p>Alex laughs, but then she turns to her friend. “I still think you two need to have a conversation about this. Maybe you can find some middle ground and you can both be happy”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen agrees. She likes Tobin, and she’s even prepared to say she loves her even though it’s only been a few months. If their relationship is going to stand the test of time, they need to have a serious talk about intimacy.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>Tobin could tell from the tone of voice Christen used over the phone that this wasn’t going to be like any other date-night. Christen called and asked if they could cancel their reservations at the restaurant they were planning on going to and if Tobin could just come over to hers so that they could have a talk.</p><p> </p><p>She didn’t know what the talk could be about, but she hoped it wasn’t about them. She hoped that this wasn’t Christen telling her that she needed more from the relationship and since Tobin couldn’t give it to her, that they should break up instead of continuing this farce. It’ll hurt, but Tobin knows it’s coming.</p><p> </p><p>So she offers Christen a smile and a quick hug as she enters her apartment. They exchange pleasantries and Tobin gratefully accepts a glass of lemonade that Christen offers.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t quite know where to begin”, Christen says as she sits down next to her girlfriend. “These past few months with you have been amazing and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. You are so wonderful and I’m so glad we met and I feel like we really just connect on such a deeper level…”</p><p> </p><p>“Christen, I know where you’re going with this”, Tobin interjects. “And I get it. I knew I couldn’t exactly keep it a secret from you forever, but I was hoping that… that if we spent more time together that it would be easier for me to tell you. In truth, it just got harder with every passing day”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen listens and nods along to what Tobin is saying. “I know it’s hard, but I feel like you shouldn’t be ashamed to tell whoever you’re with about you abstaining due to your religious beliefs…”</p><p> </p><p>Tobin’s eyes widen and opens her mouth to speak, but she cannot come up with anything.</p><p> </p><p>“And if you’re staying celibate until you’re married, I can understand that and I will be supportive of it even if…”, Christen’s eyes darts down. “Even if it’s not me you end up with”.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin draws her lower lip in-between the bit of her teeth and looks down.</p><p> </p><p>“That being said, I still really care about you and I want us to try-”</p><p> </p><p>“Christen… I’m not… I’m not abstaining from sex because of my religion. I’m asexual”. Tobin lets go of a breath she didn’t even realise she was holding and looks up to find Christen’s ever inquisitive eyes on her.</p><p> </p><p>“Y-you’re asexual?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… and I don’t usually date because… well, I always fall for allosexual women who... end up leaving me”, she says softly.</p><p> </p><p>“W-why didn’t you tell me sooner?”, Christen asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Because we had just met and I really liked you and I didn’t wanna ruin something before it even started”, Tobin says, eyes already watery. “And then we started seeing each other and started dating and I was just afraid that you’d leave if you knew the truth”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen ran a hand through her hair and then covered her face with both of her hands. Her head was all over the place and she had no idea how to feel or how to act or even what to say.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry for keeping this from you, I really am. I never meant to lead you on and I know it’s not really an excuse but, I just really like you and I didn’t wanna lose you”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen uncovers her face, still shook from Tobin’s admission, but finally finding some words again. “So you’re asexual?”, she asks again.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah”, Tobin says in a quiet voice.</p><p> </p><p>“I know what that means, but what does that mean for you?”, she asks and hopes it is a coherent sentence.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re right, it’s a spectrum and it varies from person to person, but for me it means that… that I don’t experience any sexual attraction and that I don’t want to have sex with anybody”.</p><p> </p><p>Her words hit Christen in the chest like a sharp knife. Here was the woman she cares so fiercely about, telling her that she could never desire Christen in the ways she wanted her to.</p><p> </p><p>“Christen, look, I understand that this is a lot for someone to take, so if you wanna break up with me now, I get it. I don’t want you to stay with me and miss out on a relationship with someone who can fulfil your every need”, Tobin says and a voice breaks as she fights back the tears.</p><p> </p><p>Christen quickly reaches for Tobin’s hand when she sees the tears falling. “I… I’m not breaking up with you. I just think that we need to take a break so that we can both figure some things out”.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure that’s what you want?”, Tobin asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, I’m sure. I just need some space and time away from you”, she says and gives a smile. “Can we just take a break? Just a little break until I’ve had time to process all of this?”</p><p> </p><p>Tobin wipes away the tears from her face with the back of her hand and gives a nod. “We can take a break”.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>It’s been eight days since Christen suggested the break and during that time she’s done extensive research on the topic of asexuality. She’s read books, watched interviews with asexual people, all in an attempt to understand the orientation better. She knows it’s different for everyone and she doesn’t expect Tobin to fall into category just so it’s easier for her to understand. She knows it’s something Tobin cannot change and moreover, she knows it’s something she can’t change in Tobin.</p><p> </p><p>It hurts because she wants to be with Tobin, the woman who has proved that the perfect partner exists, but she now knows that Tobin will not be able to give her something that she craves and something that she needs in a relationship. As much as Tobin can’t change, she can’t either. She enjoys sex, she always has and she always will. She knows that if she were to ever give it up, that she’ll really miss it.</p><p> </p><p>But the hardest thing about their time apart is that she misses her girlfriend. She misses her laugh and smile and her voice and all the other little intricacies of Tobin. She misses their talks and their dates and the way Tobin always makes her feel. When Tobin looked at her, it was like she was the only woman in the world (and maybe to Tobin, she was).</p><p> </p><p>She invites Tobin out for lunch on a Saturday and she’s relieved when the other woman agrees to come.</p><p> </p><p>They meet outside the restaurant and share a quick hug.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s so good to see you”, Tobin says and Christen can tell she means it.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s good to see you, too”, Christen says and smiles. “Let’s go inside”.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>“So, I’ve had time to think about… everything”, Christen says and focuses her eyes on Tobin. “I read about asexuality, but…”</p><p> </p><p>“But you need to know my personal experience as an ace?”, Tobin asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Only if you wanna tell me. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I’ll understand”, Christen says and she means it too.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin smiles and lets out a breath. “So, I kind of figured out that I wasn’t allosexual when I was like, sixteen. Everyone around me started hooking up and I just didn’t see the appeal. Around that time was when I realised that I was gay as well, so I thought maybe once I was with a girl, I would start thinking about sex as something that I wanted. But it never happened. I dated a girl in college and I really liked her, but the idea of sleeping with her was… I couldn’t, even though I tried. I really tried for her, but it just didn’t feel right”.</p><p> </p><p>“So you had sex with her, but you didn’t like it?”, Christen asks carefully.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin nods. “That’s when I realised that I never would”. She takes the salt and pepper shakers and places them in front of her on the table. “A lot of times with asexuality, you can either be sex-repulsed”, she says and pushes the saltshaker out to the left. “Or you can be sex-indifferent”, she says and placed the pepper grinder to the right. “I am somewhere in the middle… just like many other asexual people. The idea of sex isn’t completely repulsive to me, but I just cannot see myself having intercourse with anyone. I don’t feel that sexual attraction most people do”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen bites at her lip. The words hurt her, but she knows it’s not Tobin’s intention to hurt her. “So… when you say sex…”</p><p> </p><p>“I mean it in every sense of the word. Penetrative, oral, all of it”.</p><p> </p><p>“And… kissing? Because I remember you tensing up whenever we used to make-out”.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin smiles. “That was only because I was afraid that you’d wanna have sex with me and I’d have to disappoint you. In truth, I don’t mind kissing, especially when it’s with someone I trust and care about”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen is somewhat relieved. She would have hated herself if her and Tobin’s kisses were actually torture for the woman.</p><p> </p><p>“I also like holding hands and giving and receiving hugs”, Tobin offers and gives a hopeful smile. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I can give you a little kiss, hug you and hold your hand whenever you need me to”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen smiles for the first time that day.</p><p> </p><p>“But if you wanna break things off between us, I’ll understand”, Tobin says and fiddles with her fingers underneath the table. “If sex is something that’s really important to you, I won’t let you deprive yourself of it just because of me”.</p><p> </p><p>“Sex is important to me”, Christen says quickly. No use in lying, is there? She wants a relationship where she can be intimate with her lover, too. Tobin cannot give her that.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin swallows down the lump in her throat that forms as soon as the words leave Christen’s mouth. “I guess that’s that then…”</p><p> </p><p>“But you’re more important”, Christen says. “And I am not going to deprive myself of you because I care about you too much”.</p><p> </p><p>“But I’m not…”</p><p> </p><p>“Tobin, please”, Christen says. “These last few days without you have been hell and I don’t want wanna lose you, not when I know how great we can be together”.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin’s eyes lit up and she reaches over to place a hand on Christen’s. “Are you sure?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes… I want this”, she says. “Do you?”</p><p> </p><p>Tobin nods. “Absolutely, but it won’t be easy”.</p><p> </p><p>“I realise that, but I am willing to try if you are”, Christen suggests.</p><p> </p><p>“I am more than willing to try, Chris. If we keep the lines of communication wide open and if you set boundaries that we’re both comfortable with…”, Tobin can’t finish her sentence because she’s smiling too much. It feels like a second chance with, one she didn’t think she would ever get.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>Both Tobin and Christen knew that their relationship would have to be navigated carefully, with an emphasis on communication and honesty, if they wanted it to work. They were both very willing to try. They spent a lot of their free time together, trying to figure out what intimacy meant to the other.</p><p> </p><p>Christen learned that Tobin was still a very affectionate person, despite her asexuality. She liked holding hands when they were walking down the street or doing grocery shopping or even when they were on the couch binging a show on Hulu.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin had three types of ‘zones’ on her body and Christen was intrigued to learn more.</p><p> </p><p>The green zone; the places where she liked being touched. Her hands, her face and her hair formed part of the green zone.</p><p> </p><p>Up next was the yellow zone. The yellow zone were the places she would allow Christen to touch, but only with permission. If Christen wanted to touch her arms, biceps, shoulders, back, neck or chest, she had to ask first. Depending on how Tobin felt on the day, she would either say yes or no when Christen asked.</p><p> </p><p>The red zones were off-limits. These were the parts of Tobin’s body that she did not allow anyone to touch. From her breasts down to below her knees were red zones; whenever someone touched her there it made her uncomfortable.</p><p> </p><p>The aversion to touch was something Christen had to get used to, along with Tobin’s asexuality, but she was trying her best.</p><p> </p><p>Christen was an attentive girlfriend. She could read Tobin’s non-verbal cues so well already. She could tell when Tobin wanted a simple kiss to be something more by the way Tobin’s hands gently grabbed onto her waist with the very tips of her fingers. Sometimes, when she was too eager and forgot the situation they were in, she would move to sit herself down on Tobin’s lap, only for the older woman to gently nudge her away with an apologetic smile.</p><p> </p><p>Christen would apologise, but Tobin would tell her it was okay. Their make-out sessions consisted out of either chaste kisses, or if Tobin initiated it, deeper kisses where Christen’s lips were caught in between Tobin’s and it tasted delectable.</p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t easy. Christen would satisfy her own sexual urges whenever she needed to and afterwards she would feel guilty because she thought of Tobin while she was touched herself and in a way it felt like she was taking advantage of her girlfriend by putting her into imaginary scenarios she wouldn’t be comfortable with.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin had guilt of another kind. She always felt like she was standing in the way of Christen’s true happiness, so she made up for it by buying her flowers and little gifts or sending her cute texts in the middle of the day.</p><p> </p><p>It was a learning curve for both of them. Christen had to learn how to be in a relationship with someone who was asexual, and Tobin had to learn how to let Christen in without pushing her own boundaries.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Chris”, Tobin says as they strolled down the street, hand in hand on a Saturday afternoon.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah?”, Christen asks.</p><p> </p><p>“I have a few vacation days that are piling up at work and… I guess I was wondering if you maybe wanted to spend a long weekend together over the summer”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen’s face is adorned with a cute, but confused smile. “Like a weekend away?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, exactly like that. Maybe we could go to San Francisco? I’ve always wanted to go there and I remember you telling me all about it and just sounds like a fun trip, right?”</p><p> </p><p>Christen sighs and gently swings her and Tobin’s arms back and forth. “Sounds amazing, babe, but I don’t really have the money to go on an out-of-state vacation right now”.</p><p> </p><p>“I know, but… I do”, the brunette says gently.</p><p> </p><p>“Tobin, I couldn’t possibly leave you to pay for an entire trip to California…”, she sighs.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin pouts and presses a quick kiss on Christen’s temple. “Don’t…”, she begins. “Let me do this, please? I wanna do something nice for you. I know work’s been crazy and you’ve been so busy…”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not gonna let this go, are you?”, Christen asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Nope”, Tobin replies and laughs. “So will come with me?”</p><p> </p><p>“I mean”, Christen says and sighs dramatically. “I suppose”, she says and rolls her eyes.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>May</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>At first Christen wasn’t sure about a double date with Alex and her girlfriend Kelley. Tobin had only hung out with Alex and Kelley a few times before and she didn’t want Tobin to feel uncomfortable around people she didn’t really know. But the brunette said yes immediately when Christen brought it up.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure?”, Christen asked again, eyes searching for Tobin’s.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, I am. I like Alex and Kelley. They seem like very nice people”. She took a sip of coffee and her brow furrowed. “Do they know about my asexuality?”, she asked.</p><p> </p><p>“No, no of course not. It’s not my place to out you and they don’t need to know unless you want them to”, Christen had promised.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin was thankful. She reached for her girlfriend’s hand and gave it a quick squeeze. The last of the sunrays hit through the window where they were seated and the way the illumination hit Christen’s profile made her light green eyes become almost transparent.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re so beautiful”, Tobin murmured. Her words made Christen blush. It was nice to know that despite the lack of sexual attraction Tobin felt for her, she was still aesthetically attracted to her. </p><p> </p><p>Now they were out with Alex and Kelley, enjoying a late-ish dinner after attending a screening of Wonder Woman 1984.</p><p> </p><p>“So, did you girls like the movie?”, Kelley asks as she perused the wine menu.</p><p> </p><p>“I did. Did you, Tobs?”, Christen asks and glances up at her girlfriend.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I liked it a lot despite being a big MCU nerd”, she says with a chuckle.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m with you on that one”, Kelley says.</p><p> </p><p>The waiter comes over and Kelley orders a bottle of red for the table and a water for Tobin, who’s the designated driver tonight.</p><p> </p><p>“Tobin”, Alex asks and leans forward, staring at the brunette with some intent. “Christen’s been bragging non-stop about this trip you’re planning for next month. Are you taking my bestie on a sexy vacation to make her fall in love with you?”, she asks with blue eyes narrowed.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin smiles shyly and steels a glance at Christen, who seems more shellshocked about Alex’s question than Tobin. “No need for that… I think she’s already in love with me”, she says carefully and she can almost feel Christen’s gaze on her.</p><p> </p><p>“Damn! Tobin’s got hella game”, Kelley says and her and Alex exchange looks.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re right, I am”, Christen counters and she waits until Tobin’s dark honey coloured eyes are staring into hers. “I’m in love with you”, she says again.</p><p> </p><p>“And I’m… I’m in love with you, too”, Tobin says cautiously. She finally smiles and reaches for Christen’s hand. “I love you”.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, okay!”, Kelley quickly interjects. “I think that’s enough queer activity for the rest of the evening”, she jokes.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin and Christen smile as they exchange gazes again.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>June</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>The middle seat in a crowed plane in the heart of summer wasn’t the best place to relax, but Christen had lost herself in an e-book she was reading. She occasionally checked to her left to see what Tobin was up to, but the brunette was playing some mobile game.</p><p> </p><p>It was nice seeing Tobin so relaxed, Christen thought. They both had stressful jobs, but Tobin’s job involved managing other people’s money and that was a level of responsibility that Christen kind of understood, but not to the same extent as Tobin. She spent a lot of hours at the office and she brought a lot of her work home, as well. As the only female junior stockbroker in her office, she had to work twice as hard to get half the recognition the guys got. They both needed this long weekend away from their daily stresses, maybe Tobin more so than Christen.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin had planned their entire trip to the last detail and had learned throughout the whole process that she enjoyed taking charge of something like this. She books the flights, the AirBnB and made an itinerary filled with fun and exciting things they could for their four-day stay in San Francisco.</p><p> </p><p>The plane lands safely and they hang around outside the airport while waiter for their Uber to take them to the studio apartment Tobin found.</p><p> </p><p>“And you’re sure you’re okay with just one bed?”, Christen asks as they settled into their temporary abode.</p><p> </p><p>The apartment was beautifully furnished and decorated, Christen certainly approved, but it wasn’t all that spacious and there was one only one bedroom with only one queen sized bed.</p><p> </p><p>“I am”, Tobin promises, again, for the umpteenth time. “If I wasn’t, I would’ve gone for a place with two rooms”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen, who usually brings way too many clothes along with her whenever she went anywhere, only had one suitcase filled with clothes that she opted to unpack into the very clean dresser. It was only a few outfits, shorts, sundresses, tee-shirts and a two-piece bathing suit. When she was packing, she wondered if she should include some lingerie or even just some of her sexier underwear, but quickly remembered that Tobin wouldn’t see it anyway.</p><p> </p><p>“Is it okay if I take a little nap, my love?”, Tobin asks when she returns from her shower.</p><p> </p><p>“Of course”, Christen responds. “I’m not tired so I think I’ll go finish my book out on the balcony”.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright”, Tobin says and kicks of her sneakers. “Have fun with your book”.</p><p> </p><p>Much later, while the sun was setting, Christen hears the screen door slide open and she looks up to find an adorably dishevelled Tobin leaning against the frame of the door.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you have a nice nap?”, Christen asks and set down her Kindle on the outdoor coffee table.</p><p> </p><p>“Mm-hmm”, Tobin hums and ran a hand through her hair. “I missed you”, she says and held her hand out. “C’mere”, she invites.</p><p> </p><p>Christen loves these moments. The moments when Tobin wants her touch, needs her touch. She walks across the tiny balcony and intertwines her fingers with her girlfriend’s. “Can I put my hand on your shoulder?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen carefully raises her free hand, the left hand, and places it gently on Tobin’s shoulder. Her fingers carefully graze over the soft material of Tobin’s tee-shirt and then her fingers find their way to the back of Tobin’s shoulder. “Is this okay?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin gives a slow nod. She revels in the feeling of Christen’s fingers on her shoulder blade, she enjoys the slight tickle her girlfriend’s fingers provides. She places a quick kiss on Christen’s forehead, and the curly haired woman knows Tobin has just wordlessly asked her to stop. She drops both her hands and takes a step back.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin smiles, impressed that Christen has picked up more of her cues. “Are you hungry?”, she asks. “There’s this restaurant not too far from here that serves the best Southeast Asian food, or at least that’s what the reviews all say. You wanna go?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, sounds amazing”, Christen says.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>The restaurant was way too noisy to have a decent conversation, so Tobin and Christen just gushed over the food they were eating and took a few cute selfies. It was only when they got back to the apartment that they could have a serious conversation about their sleeping arrangements. It had been gnawing at both of them the entire evening, maybe Christen’s more than Tobin’s.</p><p> </p><p>Christen sits down on the foot of the bed and Tobin sits on the armchair by the desk.</p><p> </p><p>“So…”, the pale eyed woman begins.</p><p> </p><p>“As I’ve said before, I don’t mind sharing a bed with you. In fact, it would be a privilege”, Tobin says and walks over to join Christen on the bed. “I trust you”.</p><p> </p><p>“I feel like I’m gonna mess this up somehow”, Christen says and she looks down to the hardwood floors. “And that’s not what I want at all. I know you trust me, but what if I don’t trust myself?”, she asks and swallows back a lump in her throat.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s just see how tonight goes”, Tobin suggests. “If either one of us doesn’t like it, we don’t have to do it again”.</p><p> </p><p>The words put Christen at ease. She looks up and offers a small smile. “Okay”.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay”, Tobin says. “You wanna use the bathroom?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Mm-hmm, I think I need a shower”, Christen says.</p><p> </p><p>About twenty-minutes later she returns, dressed in an oversized tee-shirt and soft sleep shorts. Tobin looks up from her phone and offers a small smile.</p><p> </p><p>“You look cute”, she says.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, babe. You do, too”, she says and nods down at Tobin’s dark blue pajama bottoms and grey tank-top.</p><p> </p><p>Christen walks over to the dresser in which she put her clothes and takes out a lavender coloured silk pillowcase, which she carefully pulls over the white pillow.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin stares at her with some intent. “What are you doing?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh”, Christen says and chuckles. “It’s for my hair. A silk or satin pillowcase keeps it from becoming a tangled mess overnight, it reduces friction”.</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t know that”, Tobin says, eyes still full of amazement.</p><p> </p><p>“Curly hair problems”, Christen jokes as she climbs into bed. There was still a respectable distance between them, which put both women at ease.</p><p> </p><p>“I love your hair”, Tobin says and brushes her fingertip along Christen’s jawline and she gives a smile in response. “Let me go brush my teeth”, Tobin says to no one in particular. She slips off to the bathroom and returns four minutes later. She dips back into bed and lays on her back, staring at the high ceiling for a few minutes. Christen next to her is still reading her e-book. Or maybe she was reading a new one, Tobin didn’t know.</p><p> </p><p>“My love?”, she asks and turns on her side to look at Christen. The light of her Kindle lights up her face and she looks too pretty in those reading glasses.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes?”, she asks quietly without looking up.</p><p> </p><p>“Do I make you happy?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>Christen places the Kindle on her nightstand and turns to face her girl. “Yes you do, very much so”, she promises. “What about me? Do I make you happy?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes”, Tobin says and reaches to run the back of her hand along Christen’s jaw. “So happy”.</p><p> </p><p>“Good”, Christen says and smiles. “I think I’m gonna call it a night”, she says and takes off her glasses.</p><p> </p><p>“Mm, me too”, Tobin says and moves to place a quick peck on Christen’s cheek. “G’night”, she says before turning her back and trying to fall asleep.</p><p> </p><p>In the dark, Christen’s hand grazes along the spot where Tobin kissed her. She closes her eyes and imagines those sweet pecks all over her body.</p><p> </p><p>“Good night”, she says before shuffling into bed.</p><p> </p><p>All night long Christen worries that she might be moving too close to Tobin or that her hands and arms are flailing too close to her red zones. She tosses and turns until she feels a gentle hand placed down on her ribs.</p><p> </p><p>“Just relax”, Tobin says and her voice sounds thick with sleep.</p><p> </p><p>It’s enough to calm Christen down and she flutters her eyes shut and drifts off into a peaceful slumber, confident that Tobin was happy, that she wasn’t ruining anything and that they were still good.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>Christen wakes up early the next morning. As she stretches off the grogginess, she glances over and finds Tobin still fast asleep, so she goes to the bathroom to go through her morning routines, shower and brush her teeth.</p><p> </p><p>Her shower is longer than usual, especially after last night, when Tobin looked so good with her hair pulled up in a messy bun and the with the way that grey tank-top clung onto her toned upper body. She imagines kissing all along those arms until she reached her neck and then along her jaw until she reached her mouth.</p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later she’s dried off and shimmying into panties and then shorts. She opts to go without a bra, as she pulls a size-too-big, cropped tee-shirt over her head. She leaves the bathroom and finds Tobin on the bed, scrolling through her phone.</p><p> </p><p>“Good morning”, she says cheerfully and it causes Tobin to look up.</p><p> </p><p>“Good morning”, the brunette says with a smile. “I know you said you were an early riser, but this is just ridiculous”, she teases. “But don’t worry”, she says and gets out of the bed. “I’m up now”.</p><p> </p><p>“You go take a shower and I’ll go get coffee and donuts from the bakery down the street”, Christen suggests.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin smiles and gives a nod. “Sounds good”.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>Their trip to San Francisco had been nothing short of amazing. They went to see all the famous sights, like The Golden Gate Bridge and walked around Union Square, visited some art galleries and of course, rode around in the cable cars; all the cheesy tourists things that Tobin wanted to do. Christen had a lot of fun on all of their expeditions, but her favourite thing about their trip was seeing the smile on Tobin’s face. There was no point in denying it; she was madly in love with this woman and she knew no words would ever really describe the love she felt for Tobin, but she was going to try to express it every single day.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s nice to see you in your natural habitat”, Tobin joked as they walked along the Presidio Loop Trail.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not from San Francisco!”, Christen protested playfully. “But you’re right, I’ll always be a Californian, even though I really like Portland”.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, Portland kinda feels like home”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen smiles and squeezes Tobin’s hand somewhat. “It does”.</p><p> </p><p>Every night the same fears would creep up and Christen would worry, but Tobin would put her mind at ease. And then they would fall asleep, together, and it was the best sleep Christen had ever had in her life. She was next to the woman she loved endlessly, and who loved her enough to share such an intimate space with her. She never wanted it to end. She wanted to fall asleep next to Tobin every night.</p><p> </p><p>But their trip had come to an end and Christen found herself in an empty bed, wondering how Tobin would feel about them possibly moving in together. There would be so many pros; it would make sense from a financial standpoint and they would be around each other more, which is what both women wanted.</p><p> </p><p>But as with most things in life, there were also cons. What if they couldn’t co-exist? What if is San Francisco was a fluke and they weren’t really ready to live together? Christen let go of the idea and thought it better not to tell Tobin about it.</p><p> </p><p>The next date-night Friday Tobin asks how Christen would feel about the two of them moving in together.</p><p> </p><p>“Wait, you- you want us to live together?”, Christen asks and her eyebrows quirk up.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… I mean, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. We got on so well on our weekend away and I just thought…”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve been thinking about it, too, but Tobin, that’s a big step. What if we’re not ready?”, she asks and she hopes Tobin understands that she does want this, she just doesn’t want things to go faster than they have to. Their relationship was all about the right pacing, respecting boundaries and giving each other space.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin frowns and sits back in the chair, raking her eyes over her girlfriend. “You’re right”, she says. “I’m sorry I brought it up… I just kept thinking about how nice it was to always have you around”, she offers with a small smile. “And when you told me about the silk pillowcase, I thought ‘wow, there are so many things I don’t know about you yet… I wanna learn all your secrets. I wanna know everything there is to know about you’”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen smiles and wishes the fluttering in her stomach would still so she could focus.</p><p> </p><p>“But you’ve been so patient with me and now it’s my turn to wait until we’re both ready to move in together”, Tobin adds.</p><p> </p><p>Christen smiles and nods and tentatively reaches to top Tobin’s hand with hers. “I love you so much”.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>July</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Christen looks over to Tobin, who seems to be very focussed on the film they were watching. She looks over to her left and rolls her eyes when she sees Kelley and Alex still necking like a couple of teenagers. She understands that they’re very happy and in love, considering they are newly-engaged, but she can’t help wondering how Tobin feels about her friends’ very public displays of affection.</p><p> </p><p>She clears her throat. “Hey, come on guys, we’re tying to have a nice night here and you’re gaying up the place”, she jokes and laughs awkwardly.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, shoot, sorry”, Alex says as she pulls away from Kelley. “We forget where we are sometimes”.</p><p> </p><p>Kelley nods in agreement and wipes at the corner of her mouth. “How about I get us some more drinks?”, she asks and doesn’t wait for a response.</p><p> </p><p>Alex gives an apologetic smile and mouths ‘sorry’ to Christen.</p><p> </p><p>Christen turns to Tobin and taps her on shoulder with her index finger. The brunette looks up and smiles.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you having a good time?”, Christen asks, worried that Kelley and Alex’s escapades has left Tobin feeling uncomfortable.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes”, she answers and presses a quick kiss on Christen’s temple. “I’m glad we did this”.</p><p> </p><p>They take an Uber back to Christen’s apartment and she invites Tobin up.</p><p> </p><p>“You can spend the night, if you want”, Christen adds when she sees Tobin in weighing it up in her mind.</p><p> </p><p>“You know I would love nothing more, but I have church in the morning”, she says and gives an apologetic smile. “Next time?”</p><p> </p><p>“Next time”, Christen repeats softly. “Can I hug you goodbye?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin’s face remains regretful and she drops her head.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, hey, it’s okay… it’s okay”, Christen says quickly. She longs to place a reassuring hand on Tobin’s shoulder but she knows she shouldn’t.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s just one of those days, my love. I’m really sorry”, she says.</p><p> </p><p>“I get it”, Christen says.</p><p> </p><p>“I saw Alex and Kelley tonight… how they were kissing and touching”, she says and gulps.</p><p> </p><p>“Tobin…”</p><p> </p><p>“Is that what you want?”, she asks softly.</p><p> </p><p>“I- no, no it’s not what I want. I want you”, Christen says.</p><p> </p><p>“But if you’re with me you can never have…”, her voice breaks slightly. “you can never have that”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen nods. “I know, but I’ve made my choice. I want you, Tobin Heath”, she says and smiles at her girlfriend. “You believe me?”</p><p> </p><p>Tobin grins shyly. “Yeah, I do”. She stretches out her hand and Christen’s grabs hold of it. “Thank you for choosing me”.</p><p> </p><p>Day after day, Christen is reminded that choosing Tobin was the best decision she had ever made. She often thought about what she was giving up, but it was negated by what she was getting from their relationship. She felt loved, cared for, validated, heard and seen in her relationship with Tobin. She would never want for anything as long as she was with her, except for one thing, which she could take care of herself if she really needed to.</p><p> </p><p>And Tobin enjoyed the intimacy she got from Christen; the emotional intimacy where Christen would consider her feelings, affirm her emotions and respect her boundaries. She was good with the non-verbal cues and noticing the minute details of how Tobin expressed her asexuality.</p><p> </p><p>It was a Friday night and instead of going out, the two stayed in and watched some cooking show that they found and instantly became obsessed with.</p><p> </p><p>Christen sighs and brings her hand to her lower back, she winces slightly as she shifts in her seat. Tobin sees this and looks over at her with some concern.</p><p> </p><p>“Is something wrong?”, the she woman asks.</p><p> </p><p>“I helped move a chest of drawers at work today and I think I may have hurt my back or something”, Christen glosses over like it’s nothing, but Tobin knows it’s not.</p><p> </p><p>The brunette moves closer toward her girlfriend and tentatively puts her hand on her shoulder. “Does it hurt?”, she asks and gets a nod from Christen in response. “I can give you a backrub, if you want… only if you want me to”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen looks up with questioning eyes. Since Tobin came out as asexual, their physical contact was limited to hand holding and the occasional hug. Sometimes Tobin would tell her that it was okay to touch her shoulders or back, but that was it. The only other time when they touched was when Tobin was nudging Christen off of her when the younger woman got too eager, but that hadn’t happened in a while. Christen always took Tobin’s boundaries into consideration.</p><p> </p><p>“Tobin, are you sure?”, she asks. “I don’t want you to do something you’re not comfortable with”.</p><p> </p><p>“I want to make you feel better”, Tobin says and smiles politely. “A massage doesn’t have to be anything more than that… I’m your girlfriend and I wanna help you”, she says calmly.</p><p> </p><p>“And you’re sure you’re okay with this?”, Christen asks again.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes”, Tobin says with an exasperated sigh. “I’ll go get the muscle rub, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Tobin returns a couple of minutes later and asks Christen if she would take off her tee-shirt. The interior designer agrees and then carefully pulls the white cotton shirt over her head, revealing a white lace bralette, which contrasted beautifully against her skin.</p><p> </p><p>“Is this okay?”, Tobin asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes”, Christen says and her lips quirk up in a smile.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright, lie down for me”, Tobin demands gently. Christen does as she’s told and lays down on the couch, using her arms as a pillow. Tobin kneels down on the floor right by her. Her eyes slowly rake over Christen’s fawn coloured skin. She dabs her index finger and middle finger into the tub and leans across. “I’m gonna touch you now, is that okay?”, she wants to make sure.</p><p> </p><p>Christen smiles. “It’s okay”.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin gently smears the balm at the base of Christen’s spine. “Is it your lower back?”, she asks as she rubs small circles on her back with her two fingers.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes”.</p><p> </p><p>The brunette applies a bit more of the balm to Christen back and then begins using the palm of her hand to rub the balm into Christen’s skin.</p><p> </p><p>Christen’s eyes flutter shut as she leans into Tobin’s touch. It feels incredible, Tobin’s hand on her skin.</p><p> </p><p>“Tell me if I’m rubbing too hard, okay?”, the brown-eyed woman asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Mm-hm”.</p><p> </p><p>The skin underneath Tobin’s palm feels foreign and strange, but it also feels soft and delicate. She works her way from the left side to the right and the back again. After about seven minutes, she pulls back and waits for Christen to flip over.</p><p> </p><p>“How was that?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>Christen smiles and rest her head on her palm. “It was really nice. Thank you, Tobin”.</p><p> </p><p>“No problem”, Tobin says and gives Christen back her shirt. “I hope it helps”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen puts her shirt back on and curls up on the couch while Tobin goes to put the muscle rub away and wash her hands. She returns and quickly takes her place next to Christen.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks for letting me do that”, she says.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks for doing it. I’ve always wondered what it would feel like; your hands on my skin”, she says softly. “Not that I want you to… you know, but I still thought about it”.</p><p>Tobin nods in understanding. “You’re allosexual, Chris. Of course you’re gonna think about it. You shouldn’t have to hide the fact that you wonder about sex or that you think about it. I know you do; it’s an inherent part of you”.</p><p> </p><p>“But it’s not an inherent part of us”, Christen shoots back. “And I don’t wanna bring my allosexuality into this relationship”.</p><p> </p><p>“You should”, Tobin says enthusiastically. “I’m bringing my sexuality into this relationship, so why shouldn’t you? Christen, we’re in a mixed relationship and both of our feelings regarding sex are valid”. She places a hand atop Christen’s. “I don’t want you to ever change and I don’t wanna change you”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen pouted and Tobin knew she did that whenever she wanted a hug or a squeeze from Tobin. The older woman obliges as she takes Christen’s hand and intertwines their fingers.</p><p> </p><p>“So you don’t care that I sometimes get turned on by you?”, Christen asks.</p><p> </p><p>“No”, Tobin says. “I don’t often get aroused and even when I do I have no desire to act on it, but… if it’s something you enjoy then I want you to experience it”.</p><p> </p><p>“And you don’t mind that I think about you when I…you know…”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t mind that”, Tobin says. “I want you to have everything, even the things that I can’t give you myself”.</p><p> </p><p>“You seriously gotta stop being so damn perfect”, Christen says and she picks at the stray tear falling down her cheek.</p><p> </p><p>“Come here”, Tobin says and has her arms open for a hug. Christen obliges and hugs her girlfriend gently. Tobin’s hand smooths over her back in slow, deliberate circles.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>September</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tobin takes Christen apple-picking on the first Saturday of September. Apparently, this was a thing people did in Portland as soon as fall came around. When Tobin first suggested the idea, Christen knew she was going to love it, now they were on the farm and she was enjoying every minute of it.</p><p> </p><p>They went with Ashlyn and Ali, Tobin’s two closest friends in Portland. Ali and Tobin worked at the same company and that’s how they met. When Ali introduced Tobin to her then girlfriend, Ashlyn, she had no idea that the two would get along so well that Tobin would end up being closer to Ash than to her.</p><p> </p><p>Christen enjoys seeing Tobin interact with her own friends. The brunette looks so comfortable around them, that Christen wonders if she’s come out to them yet.</p><p> </p><p>Ali and Christen find a bench to sit on while Tobin and Ashlyn kick a soccer ball around with a couple of kids who were clearly dragged there by their parents.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Tobin this happy”, Ali says.</p><p> </p><p>Christen is sure she’s blushing. “Hopefully that has something to do with me”, she says coyly.</p><p> </p><p>Ali laughs heartedly. “It has a lot to do with you, missy. Ever since the day she’s met you, she’s been a whole new person. Ash and I used to be so worried about her, you know, she was so anti-social. At first we thought she was just homesick, but then… she told us”. Ali turns to face Christen.</p><p> </p><p>“I figured you two knew”, Christen states.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, she told us last year, probably around this time. She explained that the reason why she was so closed off was because she didn’t wanna put herself out there only to find that the person she liked couldn’t deal with her sexuality”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen freezes. She finds it heart-breaking that Tobin has been limiting herself just because she’s afraid that people won’t understand her.</p><p> </p><p>“But then she met you”, Ali says and smiles. “And she was enamoured by you. I know she kept it from you at first, but I was there when she contemplated telling you. She didn’t wanna ruin the good thing you guys had, she would’ve done anything just to be close to you. She so badly wanted to be in your world”.</p><p> </p><p>“I would’ve done the same if the roles were reversed”.</p><p> </p><p>Ali nods. “I can tell that you really care about her. I know you’ll treat her right, but if you don’t…” Ali raises and eyebrow in an attempt to be intimidating, but she fails spectacularly and both her and Christen end up laughing.</p><p> </p><p>“I know, I know… I’m not gonna hurt her. I love her”, Christen says and looks over to where Tobin and Ashlyn were playing with the two boys.</p><p> </p><p>That was her woman; her whole entire happiness wrapped into a beautiful package and she had never been more content in her life. Tobin looks up, sees her and waves for her to join them.</p><p> </p><p>“We could bake some apple pies”, Tobin says and she washes off the apples and then gives them to Christen so she can dry them with a towelette.</p><p> </p><p>“Fruit salad?”, Christen suggests.</p><p> </p><p>“Mmm, with lots of blueberries”, Tobin says. She hands Christen the last of the washed apples and then inches closer to her girlfriend. “Can I put my hands here?”, she asks as her fingers ghosts over the fabric of Christen’s blue linen sundress.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah”, Christen breaths out and watches as Tobin’s trembling hands settle on her hips. “Can I touch you?”, she asks softly.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes”.</p><p> </p><p>“Where?”</p><p> </p><p>“You can put your hands on my shoulders or… your arms around my neck”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen moves to place her hands on Tobin’s shoulders. “It’s kinda like dancing without music”, she jokes, but only because she’s nervous and doesn’t know what to say.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah”, Tobin says and chuckles. “But I like this”.</p><p> </p><p>“I do, too”. She smooths over Tobin’s shoulders. “Maybe dancing could be something we do? If you want”.</p><p> </p><p>“We could try”, she says and brushes back some of Christen’s unruly curls behind her ear. “But I have to warn you, that I have no rhythm”, she laughs and leaves a peck on her girlfriend’s cheek.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>Christen has to go to Seattle for work and Tobin misses her terribly. They talk on the phone for hours.</p><p> </p><p>“Have you been eating? Did you find the chocolate truffles I hid in your bag?”, Tobin asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I did and I was pleasantly surprised”, Christen says and laughs. “Even when I’m not around you still find ways to give me sweet treats”.</p><p> </p><p>“I only do that because I know dark chocolate releases like, a ton of dopamine and that’s supposed to make you feel good”, she says and puts her arm at the back of her head as she lays on her bed.</p><p> </p><p>“Aww, that’s so sweet”, Christen says and takes a sip of her wine. She’s in a drab hotel room, wishing she was home with Tobin, watching Hell’s Kitchen or reading an e-book while Tobin’s at the opposite end of the couch, doing work on her macbook. “Literally”.</p><p> </p><p>“I just want you to have that release of pleasure, my love. I told you, I would do anything for you. Anything to make you feel loved and wanted”.</p><p> </p><p>“I do feel wanted”, Christen says quickly. “And loved and adored…”, she trails off.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s good”, Tobin says. “I miss you so much. I can’t wait ‘til you’re back… I really wanna lay down next to you and get lost in those beautiful eyes”.</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t wait ‘til we’re together again either… although I really enjoy you whispering all these sweet, sweet words into my ear like this, nothing beats the way my pulse jumps when you’re holding my hand”, Christen says.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry, only two more nights and then you’re back home”, Tobin reminds her. “I’m gonna let you rest now, okay? I know you had a long day”.</p><p> </p><p>Christen pouts despite knowing Tobin couldn’t see her. “I’m not ready to say goodbye to you yet”, she protests gently.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin laughs melodically. “Me neither, but we should really get some sleep. I’ll call again tomorrow, I promise”.</p><p> </p><p>“You better”, Christen teases harmlessly and sighs into the phone. “Goodnight then”.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>October</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Christen thinks about sex. A lot.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t want to. She wants to condition her mind so that sex is the last thing she thinks about, but she can’t. She misses the wave of pleasure and release that washes over her when she comes under the mouth of a woman she cares about. She misses the lingering touches, the sloppy neck kisses, the distinct smell that only the act of sex can leave behind in a room.</p><p> </p><p>Of course she masturbates; and it helps release of the pent up sexual frustration she has, but it’s all so fleeting. No foreplay, no teasing and then no naked cuddles afterwards. Getting herself off also makes her feel so selfish. She misses the feeling of pride she got whenever she could make a man or woman come for her.</p><p> </p><p>She wants to hide her feelings from Tobin (because she knows she’ll break her heart and realize her fears if she tells the truth), but she made a promise that she will always be honest with her and that the lines of communication will always be open between them. So she brings it up during dinner one Wednesday night.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin grates parmesan over her pasta and tells Christen all about her day and how her boss called her in for a meeting tomorrow.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t really know what it’s about, but I’ve been doing really well and I think he may just wanna let me know how impressed his been with me. Or at least, that’s what I’m hoping”, Tobin says and chuckles nervously.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m struggling… with the abstinence”, Christen says bluntly.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin sits her fork down and stares at her with some intent. Her eyes begin to feel heavy and her throat feels like it’s tightening ever so slightly.</p><p> </p><p>“And I know it’s wrong of me to tell you, but…” Christen looks down because she cannot take the look of sadness that has come over Tobin’s face. “I’m trying, so so hard. Because I wanna be with you, Tobin. I wanna be with you so bad and I will give up whatever I have to in order to be with you, but it’s so hard”. She bites back the tears and continues. “It’s just so hard sometimes and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it”.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin lowers her face into her hands and sighs, heavily.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you and I want to be your girlfriend, don’t think this is me saying I don’t wanna do this anymore, because I do”, Christen says and she so badly wants to touch Tobin now, just to reassure her that they’re okay.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin looks at her again with sad eyes drowning in pools of tears that are just a blink away. “I wish I wasn’t… I wish I could give you everything”. She pushes her plate of food away, her appetite was certainly gone now.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you just the way you are, Tobin”, Christen says steadily. “I don’t want you to change because then you wouldn’t be you anymore”.</p><p> </p><p>“But I’m forcing you to be something you’re not! Forcing you to choose between me and something that comes so natural to you”, Tobin says. “I’m forcing you to accept my asexuality”.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not accepting your asexuality because of you, I’m embracing it because of me”, Christen says and she doesn’t care if the tears are falling freely now. “I’m with you because I love you more than I’ve loved anyone else in my entire life. And I love your asexuality. I respect it and I embrace it; I don’t put up with it, Tobin”.</p><p> </p><p>It goes quiet for a few moments. The air between them feels so thick with tension, but the silence brings some semblance of comfort.</p><p> </p><p>“How can you ever be happy with me?”, Tobin finally asks.</p><p> </p><p>“I am happy with you, I’ve been happy with you”, Christen answers. “We will be happy together, I just know it”.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin swallows deep and reaches across the table to take Christen’s hand in hers. “I was convinced that we could do this on our own, but I think we need to get counselling”, she says softly.</p><p> </p><p>“Like, couples counselling?”, Christen inquires.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin nods.</p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>Two weeks later they’re sat in office of Dr. Alyssa Naeher, a sex therapist and couples counsellor with massive pedigree and a whole list of raving reviews. She saves relationships, if you could believe the reviews.</p><p> </p><p>It was Tobin who found her after doing some extensive research. She found that Dr. Naeher had written many peer-reviewed journal articles on the topics of sex in a relationship and how a relationship can survive without physical intimacy. This doctor seemed like just the person to help her and Christen navigate their relationship, so she made an appointment and now they were both sitting on the ash grey suede sofa, answering very intrusive questions.</p><p> </p><p>Dr. Naeher, who insists they call her Alyssa, listens carefully as Tobin recalls her coming out story, taking notes of important points. She asks Christen to tell hers, and the younger woman begins relaying her coming out story, too. Alyssa nods purposefully as she listens and jots down.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright, so… let’s get into the real reason the two of you are here”, she says and puts her notebook down. “Tobin, you’re asexual and Christen is allosexual”, she states the obvious. “Was this out in the open when you began seeing each other?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, it wasn’t. I didn’t tell her”, Tobin says quickly.</p><p> </p><p>“So the premise, the start of your relationship, was build on a lie?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>“No, no… I didn’t lie to her, I just kept the truth from her”, Tobin says lamely.</p><p> </p><p>“Lying by omission”, Alyssa corrects. “But I’m not here to judge either one of you. I just wanna get to know you better, learn about your own relationships with sex and figure out a way in which the two of you can be happy, secure and emotionally sated in your relationship with each other”. She picks up her notebook again. “Christen, when you met Tobin, were you instantly sexually attracted to her?”</p><p> </p><p>“I was, yes”, Christen answers.</p><p> </p><p>“And what was it about her that made you feel that attraction?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, the way she carried herself. The quiet confidence she had, the way her clothes sat on her, kinda baggy and her hair, lazily pulled into a ponytail. It was like she simultaneously couldn’t be bothered but also cared way too much. I just found her sexy”. She glances over at Tobin, who was looking down.</p><p> </p><p>“Tobin, you explained that you don’t experience sexual attraction, so what was it about Christen that pulled you in?”</p><p> </p><p>Tobin shook her head. “It was everything about her. The way she moved and the way she spoke… it was love at first sight. I looked at her and I knew she was gonna be an important part of my life”.</p><p> </p><p>Alyssa nods and writes in her notebook. “Christen, before you knew about Tobin’s asexuality, what were your sexual expectations from this relationship?”</p><p> </p><p>Christen swallows and thinks about it for a few seconds, scared that the words might come out wrong and offend her girlfriend. “I think I really wanted to figure out if we were sexually compatible. I know what that I’m very versatile in bed, and I wondered if she was, you know, a top or a bottom. I guess I was expecting us to have sex and figure out what worked for us”.</p><p> </p><p>“And what if you had sex and it didn’t work, couldn’t work? What if there just was no chemistry there?”</p><p> </p><p>Christen shrugs slightly. “It would be very difficult… I don’t know”.</p><p> </p><p>Alyssa gave a small smile. “It’s okay not to know… this is a hypothetical scenario, but it tells me a lot about you and your feelings for Tobin. If you were willing to look past the fact that you would always have bad sex with Tobin if you stayed with her, then it makes sense that you would stay with her when sex was never an option. Because the quality or quantity of sex isn’t what makes you want to be with her, is it?”</p><p> </p><p>Christen shakes her head ‘no’. “I wanna be with her because I love her”.</p><p> </p><p>Alyssa nods again, then she smiles at the couple. “I think that will conclude our session today”.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>“What did you make of Dr Alyssa?”, Tobin asks as she hands Christen a glass of red wine and sits down next to her on the couch.</p><p> </p><p>“I liked her… and she seems like she knows what she’s talking about”.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, that’s what I thought, too”. Tobin takes a sip of beer. “All the talking we did today, it was nice. I felt like I was getting to know you all over again”. She holds out her hand and Christen happily takes it. “I love you and I’m so glad we’re doing this”.</p><p> </p><p>“I am, too”, Christen says. “Can I kiss the back of your hand?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin smiles and nods. “Yes, my love”. She allows Christen to bring her hand to her lips and place a featherlight peck on it.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re enough”, the younger woman says softly, but Tobin still hears it and pulls her into her arms for a hug. It lasts forever, but that’s still not long enough.</p><p> </p><p>“Stay with me tonight”, Tobin pleads softly into her ear. “I know you have to be at work in the morning, but we’ll wake up early and-”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes”, Christen breathes out. Because she wants this. She wants to be with Tobin, in any capacity, just next to her, just near her. That’s all she wants.</p><p> </p><p>After a few minutes they retire to Tobin’s bedroom and it’s nothing like Christen expected.</p><p> </p><p>The walls were dark grey with and everything else in the room was white. White dresser, white desk, white swivel chair, white bed with white linen. Everything is so clean, so untouched, Christen thinks.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you think?”, Tobin asks as she closes the door behind them.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s very minimalist”, Christen says.</p><p> </p><p>“I know, but the house is pretty cluttered already and I wanted the room to be my escape”, Tobin says and laughs. “Plus, I figured one day you’d… wanna style our bedroom anyway. Might be nice if you had a clean slate, you know”, she says and scratches at the nape of her neck.</p><p> </p><p>Christen smiles broadly and treks her finger along the shell of Tobin’s ear. “I like that idea”, she says and puts her girlfriend at ease.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have pajamas”, Tobin says quickly. “Would you like some of mine?”</p><p> </p><p>Christen nods and watches as Tobin gets out an oversized sweater and slightly worn basketball shorts. “Are these okay?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>“They’re perfect, babe. Where can I put these on?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Bathroom? Right over there”, Tobin says and goes back to the closet to pull out dark blue pajama pants and a white tee-shirt. “I don’t have a spare toothbrush, but there’s dental floss and mouthwash in the medicine cabinet”.</p><p> </p><p>“Gotcha”, Christen says and disappears into the bathroom. She’s returns a few minutes later and finds Tobin by the bed, casually pulling a silk pillowcase over one of the pillows.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, you’re back”, she says and smiles proudly. “You like it?”, she asks and nods down to the pillow.  </p><p> </p><p>“I love it”, Christen says and sticks her bottom lip out in a pout. “You are the sweetest, most thoughtful girlfriend anyone could ever ask for”.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin smiles and bites at her bottom lip. “When we got home from San Fran, I went online and bought a few of these because I wanted to be prepared for when you stayed over”.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re the best”, she says and gives a wink. “So I suppose this is my side of the bed for the night?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s your side of the bed for as long as you’ll have me”, Tobin says and pulls Christen closer by her waist to plant a kiss on her cheek. “Why don’t you settle into bed, while I finish up in the bathroom, hm?”, she asks and Christen nods.</p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later, Tobin is back in bed, teeth brushed and hair loosely tied. She settles in next to Christen. “Are you wearing my glasses?”, she asks amused when she looks over to her girlfriend.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m just reading something, I promise I’ll put them back once I’m done”. Christen stays true to her word and puts the glasses back in the case on her the bedside table.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sleepy?”, she asks as she lays on her side and watches Tobin.</p><p> </p><p>“A little bit”, Tobin says, but then she smiles. “But I still have enough energy to cuddle”, she says.</p><p> </p><p>Christen’s eyes widen. They’ve never cuddled before. Even in San Francisco, all Tobin did was place a hand on her ribs. She didn’t even think cuddling was something Tobin thought about or would consider, much less suggest.</p><p> </p><p>“I mean, if you want to. I’d understand if you didn’t… I should’ve asked”, Tobin says and drops her head.</p><p> </p><p>“No, no, I want to. I just didn’t think that you wanted to”, Christen says quickly.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin smiles. “It’s like massages… it doesn’t have to have sexual connotations, my love. It could just be me holding the woman I love in my arms until we fall asleep”.</p><p> </p><p>And nothing has ever sounded more romantic to Christen.</p><p> </p><p>“And you’re sure you wanna do this?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes”, Tobin says confidently.</p><p> </p><p>Christen’s smile is the go-ahead Tobin needs. She carefully shifts closer to her girlfriend and puts an arm around her waist, pulling her down with her. Once Christen’s head is settled on the pillow, Tobin inches closer to her body and throws her other arm over Christen’s midriff, hand carefully placed on her flat stomach.</p><p> </p><p>“Is this good?”, she asks, unsure if this is what cuddling was supposed to feel like because she hadn’t ever done it herself.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes. It’s perfect”, Christen says.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin breathes a sigh of relief and then buried her face into Christen’s sweater clad shoulder, all the while kissing at the little bit of exposed skin of Christen’s back and it leaves the pale eyed woman delirious.</p><p> </p><p>“Goodnight, my love”, Tobin whispers and places a final kiss on Christen’s shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>They fall asleep ten minutes later.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>November</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Dr. Alyssa doesn’t play games during Tobin and Christen’s third session with her. She asks about the progress they have been making, and she’s impressed that they have started to navigate sharing a bed, despite only having done it five times during the course of their relationship. The first three times were in San Francisco and there had been minimal contact. It was literally just sleeping together.</p><p> </p><p>Three weeks they slept in Tobin’s bed and fell asleep cuddling. For those few minutes that Christen was awake, she felt like it was the closest place to heaven that she would ever be. She felt so warm and so safe in Tobin’s arms; like nothing and no could hurt her.</p><p> </p><p>When she woke up the following morning, her and Tobin were tangled together anymore, but the older woman still had an arm lazily draped across Christen’s waist.</p><p> </p><p>The fifth time was four nights ago. They had dinner with Ali and Ashlyn and Tobin asked in Christen would stay over again.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin had her pj’s ready, having washed them in lavender scented fabric softener and, and surprised her with a brand-new toothbrush and a bottle of the face scrub she used.</p><p> </p><p>They fell asleep cuddled up together again, with Tobin acting as the big spoon, so she could dictate the touching that took place. As much as she loved Christen and as much as holding Christen made her feel warm from the inside out, she still had an aversion to touch in certain places. Christen never reached out to touch her, but she felt more comfortable knowing she was in charge.</p><p> </p><p>But Dr. Alyssa was blunt as ever. “Sharing a bed will do wonders for your intimacy, so I’m proud of the two of you for trying that and how you’ve been handling it so far, but”, she sighs and takes off her glasses. “We have to start getting into the real problems you’re facing. The real reason you’re here”. She looks to Christen. “Christen, do you still feel like you’re missing sex in your life?”</p><p> </p><p>Christen looks down to the carpeted floor at the same time as Tobin glances over at her.</p><p> </p><p>“I… sometimes I feel that way, yes”, she admits honestly.</p><p> </p><p>“And how do you deal with those feelings?”, the doctor asks.</p><p> </p><p>“You know, I… deal with it myself”, she says carefully. “Like I’ve said before, there’s no one I can talk to other than Tobin and you, but… I can’t expect Tobin to sit there and listening to me go on and on about how much I want to have sex”</p><p> </p><p>“Internalising those feelings will not make them subside, Christen”, Alyssa says.</p><p> </p><p>“I know”, the interior designer answers back.</p><p> </p><p>“Tobin, how does knowing all of this make you feel?”, Alyssa asks.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin reaches over and puts a consoling hand on Christen’s knee. “It makes me feel sad that Christen feels so alone in this. I wanna be there for her always”, she says.</p><p> </p><p>Alyssa nods. “Listen, I’m going to throw a very radical idea out there, and I just wanna see how you two will react to it. This is by no means a recommendation or suggestion I’m making…”</p><p> </p><p>Both Tobin and Christen look to the therapist.</p><p> </p><p>“Would either of you two be okay with a non-monogamous relationship, or open relationship, where you can both see other people while still dating each other?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>“What?”, Tobin asks. She looks to Christen, almost as if to gage her reaction. Christen has a frown on her face that tells Tobin that she’s not impressed with Alyssa’s ‘radical idea’.</p><p> </p><p>“I just think that if you two really wanna be together but Christen’s always going to crave the sexual intimacy that you cannot give her, an open relationship might be a-”</p><p> </p><p>“Absolutely not!”, Christen says and crosses her arms. “I don’t want that”, she says and looks to Tobin. “Do you want that?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, never. I get that it works for some people, but I don’t want that for us”.</p><p> </p><p>Alyssa watches them for a few seconds and then she says, “Well, then there’s really only three things that can happen here”.</p><p> </p><p>“And that is?”, Christen seeks.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, Christen you could accept that your relationship with Tobin will never have a sexual aspect and find ways to satisfy yourself, which is what you’re doing now. The second option is totally dependent on Tobin”, she says and looks to the aforementioned woman. “You can be very gracious and generous and sleep with Christen despite not having any desire to do so. Of course, it’s entirely up to you and it will depend if Christen consents to it”.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin looks down and can almost feel Christen’s eyes on her.</p><p> </p><p>“I have helped a few couples in a similar position as you and some of them have gone down that route. The asexual partner partakes in sex on a monthly basis with their partner to keep the partner satisfied”.</p><p> </p><p>“Tobin, you don’t have to do that”, Christen says quickly. “I don’t want you to do something you’re not gonna enjoy just because you think that’s what I want”.</p><p> </p><p>“So it’s not what you want?”, Tobin asks softly.</p><p> </p><p>“Not like that”, Christen says and puts a hand on Tobin’s. “I know you love me and you wanna make me happy, but that won’t make me happy”.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin nods, in a lot of ways relieved that Christen doesn’t want option two.</p><p> </p><p>“And then we come to the final option”, Alyssa says. “You might not like this one, but I have to mention it. If you feel like your differences are irreconcilable, then a break-up might be the only thing left”.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>That night they have dinner at their favourite restaurant, but they hardly speak. All Christen can think about is their earlier session with Dr. Alyssa. The options she gave all had consequences that she knew would hurt them both in the end.</p><p> </p><p>She could just give up sex and be with Tobin. And she wants to, but she knows those urges will come and go and she will have to deal with them by herself (in more ways than one).</p><p> </p><p>Option two just didn’t sound right, despite the therapist saying that many couples chose to do it, for the sake of their relationship. But Christen just can’t imagine lying there, having sex with Tobin, enjoying it meanwhile Tobin is dying inside. It just didn’t sit right. It sounded like a very traumatic experience waiting to happen. Maybe it could work for others, but it wouldn’t work for them.</p><p> </p><p>The final option is a straight no. They’re not breaking up, they love each other too much. This relationship is too pure, too perfect for the both of them and just the thought of losing Tobin makes Christen tear up. No, she’ll stay with Tobin until the older woman doesn’t want her anymore.</p><p> </p><p>“How’s your food?”, Tobin asks in an attempt to break the silence.</p><p> </p><p>“Good”, Christen says and flashes a quick smile.</p><p> </p><p>“Listen, Chris, I’ve been thinking a lot about what Doc Alyssa said today and I just wanna let you know that I meant what I said back there. I don’t wanna break up. That’s the last thing I want”.</p><p> </p><p>“I know”, Christen says and smiles again. “I know. And trust me, it’s the last thing I want, too”.</p><p> </p><p>“So then, what’s the first?”, Tobin asks.</p><p> </p><p>“I just wanna be with you”, she says.</p><p> </p><p>“Being with me means losing a part of yourself… Is that really what you want?”, Tobin asks. She’s afraid that Christen isn’t being honest with herself right now, but that she’ll end up resenting Tobin one day. She just wants Christen to think with her head and not just her heart, because if Christen ends up hating her one day… she will not survive that heartbreak.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, it is. I love you and I don’t care. We’re happy now, aren’t we? I will learn to live without sex”, she says in a low voice so the people from the table next to them can’t hear. “I’ll have you and you’re all I need”.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin didn’t say anything for the rest of the meal. Only when she drives Christen home and walks her to her apartment, does she speak again.</p><p> </p><p>“Remember when you asked for space so that you could figure out how you feel about me coming out as asexual?”, she asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, of course”, Christen says.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I think that’s what we need to do now”, Tobin says. “And before you think that I’m giving up, it’s the opposite”, she continues. “I love you and I know you love me and that’s why it’s all so hard”. She breathes out slowly, but it doesn’t stop the tears from falling from her eyes. She quickly wiped them with the back of her hand. Christen reaches to hold the other.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you want to take a break from all of this?”, Christen asks.</p><p> </p><p>Tobin nods. “It’s obvious that if we stay together, you might harbour resentment and I will feel tremendous guilt so… So lets spend some time apart and decide if we both still want this. If you can look past the fact that we’ll never have sex and if I can get over the guilt, I feel about it then, then we meet at a neutral place and agree to leave our insecurities behind and just be together for as long as we’re happy”.</p><p>Christen nods. “And if we stop being happy…we’ll let this go”, she continues. Tobin nods.</p><p> </p>
<hr class="hr"/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>December</strong>
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</p><p>The 13<sup>th</sup> of December, a year on since their first ever date; a walk through Washington Park. Three weeks since they last saw each other or spoke to each other. Three weeks of agony for Christen. But she’s here now and she hopes Tobin will show up, too.</p><p> </p><p>She’s spent nights thinking and over-thinking their situation. She weighed it all up, her need for sexual intimacy against her unadulterated love for Tobin Heath. Tobin won every single time.</p><p> </p><p>It’s cold, maybe too cold to be out in a park at six in the afternoon, but she braves herself against the elements, digging her hands into the pockets of her favourite winter coat. She looks up to admire the Christmas lights that have already been put up in the streets. The sky has darkened just enough for them to contrast in bright, fluorescent colours against the grey-ish night.</p><p> </p><p>Christen checks the time on her phone. Tobin is only four minutes late. She was almost never on time anyways, she thinks and puts her phone back in her bag.</p><p> </p><p>A year ago Tobin was ten minutes late and she was slightly ticked off. Anyone who was late for a first date had mountain to climb if they wanted a second date with her. But Tobin explained that she got slightly caught up at work. Christen saw her big, brown, pleading eyes and forgave her instantly.</p><p> </p><p>She will do the same tonight.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The end</em>
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